this could be us but you playin
Firmly in my Top Five SNL sketches.
Please Don’t Boycott the Murder League
You guys, I know the Murder League is getting a bad rap these days, but please don’t boycott the Murder League. Yes, things have been bad (and the PR has been even worse), but the culture is changing on AND off the murder field.
–The league has consistently been making advances towards less painful murders with the use of sharper edged weapons and larger caliber ballistics. There’s even talk of rules changes to prevent unnecessary murders altogether, even though the average number of murders per game is already down to what it was in the 60’s. What I’m saying is: it’s only going to get better and more humane for Murder League players and their families.
–Many people have said that the Murder League unfairly drafts it’s players from ethnic minorities in dire economic straits and failing communities. Uhhh, yeah? That’s exactly why we need MORE opportunities for those kids, not less! The average survivor of a Murder League game is awarded between 600,000 and 1.5 MILLION (!) dollars a year. That’s more than I make, how about you? Yeah I thought so. For some of those kids, Murder League is the only way out of poverty. We get a Murder League and they get untold wealth and fame. When it comes to fans and long-term survivors of the Murder League, literally everybody wins.
–Yes, the league has had a problem responding adequately to domestic violence perpetrated by it’s murderers off the murder field. I saw that video of Berek Ulnapicture slapping his girlfriend on that ferris wheel and I (like the rest of you!) was appalled. He should be kicked out of the league, period. There is NO place on the Murder Field for people like that, and shame on the Corpus Christi Spearchunkers for issuing a mere two-day suspension.
–Okay, yes, the Spearchunkers’ name and mascot is offensive to African Americans. But that’s really up to the management in Corpus Christi and does not truly reflect the culture of the Murder League as a whole. There’s not much the league can do at this point! Most fans like myself and my family and friends wish that they would change the name, or at least ask the mascot not to wear black facepaint if they continue to refuse to hire an actual African American as a mascot. The owners of the Corpus Christi Spearchunkers do NOT represent me or the vast majority of Murder League fans.
I’ve been a Murder League diehard since I was a little kid (Go Knoxville Throat Slitters!) and my Dad introduced me to my very first heroes, Gland Danson and Deener bin Swans. I had their posters on my wall, their jerseys in my drawer, and all their stats memorized down to the 3rd decimal place. They taught me that no matter what you do, whether it be investment banking, performing ultraviolence in a national televised murder-sport, or teaching an improv comedy class, you gotta do it with your whole heart. Now I see my 6 year old daughter, Deener (of course), wearing the jersey of her favorite murderer (haha you KNOW it’s that hunk Jommah Kiptain. Girls love him! Even though he murders for San Diego LOL) and I am so proud that I am passing on our traditions to a new generation. The proposed boycott against the Murder League could take all of that away from me. Away from little Deener. This is my tradition. This is my community. What could possibly be more important than that?
Please. Don’t boycott the Murder League.
I’ll tell ya who’s “hunky dory”, it’s ME when I’m a-hearing this song!
with Ryan Williams and Taylor Moore
Episode 89: Not Today
Siobhan Thompson (!) is on Ten Ideas this week to do two things: use her iron talismans to keep the Fey at bay and gauge the worth places by how Narnia they are. And guess what? She’s all out of iron talismans. You’ll need a hot subway Barbicide shower to wash the stink of this one off you, babies. Listen up and find Siobhan @vornietom somewhere inside the twitterplex.
The most sustained, terrible Woody Allen impression since Kenneth Branagh in Celebrity.
“I believe myself to possess a most singular combination of qualities exactly fitted to make me pre-eminently a discoverer of the hidden realities of nature.… The belief has been forced upon me, & most slow have I been to admit it even.
Firstly: Owing to some peculiarity in my nervous system, I have perceptions of some things, which no one else has; or at least very few, if any.… Some might say an intuitive perception of hidden things;—that is of things hidden from eyes, ears & the ordinary senses.…
Secondly;—my immense reasoning faculties;
Thirdly;… the power not only of throwing my whole energy & existence into whatever I choose, but also bring to bear on any one subject or idea, a vast apparatus from all sorts of apparently irrelevant & extraneous sources. I can throw rays from every quarter of the universe into one vast focus.”"
Lady Ada Lovelace in a letter to her mother eloquently explaining why she is uniquely qualified to science the hell out of stuff.
Excerpt From: Gleick, James. “The Information.”